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Resume Advice & Rubric for NCAA Football Players Wishing to Apply for the NFL Combine

Thank you for your interest in a career with NFL Enterprises LLC. Due to the high number of applicants the league receives, we will only contact you if we are interested in scheduling a preliminary interview. Please attach a cover-letter along with your college transcripts. In order to maximize your chances of getting a call-back, follow the following template:

-GPA (50%): Do not round up. If you’re a RB your GPA needs to be at least 50% of your YPC the more talented you are on the field, the better you need to be off of it., If you’re a kicker the worse the better you want your kicker dumb =wont overthink things or lobby for more Gay players.

-Has Your Mother Ever Had Sex For Money? (15%): Well has she?

-Number of Concussions (10%): *Please note* you will NOT get a call-back if you answer "Cant Remember."

-Objective Statement (10%): Only say that you want to win a Superbowl. Use the word "contribute" at least three times. DO’ NOT mention money, statistics, or the word "image." Make sure to mention how you will never speak with any of the friends that you've had for the past 20 years after your drafted=there bad news.

If you're a defensive player, please list plan for fulfilling your current probation requirements as well as a narrative for a future "Outside The Lines" redemption segment using words Bob Ley can pronounce without sounding like a lockjaw bullfrog.

After composing your objective statement, please execute a find & replace for the following terms:

  • "Cousins" = "Distractions"

  • "Rise and grind" = "First in, last out"

  • "Swag" = "Sweat equity"

-Name (10%): Spell it CORRECT. It's important because thats how it will appear on your jersey or on the "Hard Knocks" close-up of your pinkslip 4 months from now. Really embarrassing for you either way.

-Phone Number (5%): Change your voicemail greeting from you and your roommate hitting a waterpipe in a Panama City motel room. Your draft stock will fall if you smoked pot in college as statistically it literally makes you more likely to murder up to 3 or 4 people.

-Experience (5%): Has playing football at the second highest level in America has prepared you in a way for playing football at the highest level in America? Please explain in under 50 words without using the word "professional."